I hate this job. It's just a temporary job. I hate that I really can't quit this job until after Greg comes home from R&R because I highly doubt a new job would give me two weeks off after only working there for about three weeks.
I don't mind helping people and answering all of their sometimes ridiculous and long winded questions about things that I really do see as an unnecessary waste of money. I don't mind helping them in departments other than my own and explaining all of the latest technology to people who understand less about text messaging and mobile web browsing than my grandparents do (No offense meant Grandma & Grandpa!)
What I do mind is the fact that there is no safe place on the floor especially during the Christmas season. No matter which way I stand someone will come up from behind me and ask me a question. It's like I'm constantly surrounded. Is it normal to feel claustrophobic because of people coming at your from all directions?
What I do mind is the fact that no one can wait for me to finish a sentence with another customer before interrupting me or tapping me, touching or grabbing at me in some way for me to help them too. Give me a break - I know if you would lift your eyes up from that child's Christmas list of endless wants (I remember what my lists used to look like) you'll clearly see that I am giving another customer my attention. And I'm sure that if you were the customer that I'm currently helping you would be quite pissed at me leaving you to help another customer - so why are you asking me to do that to them?
Another piece of working in my department that drives me nuts is that we're usually incredibly slow. I spend much more of my time helping with electronics and even photo than I do my little wireless (aka - cellphone) department. But when the store's slow and the other departments can actually help all of their customers, I stand there bored. And from what I've been warned - it's only going to get worse after the Christmas season ends. I don't do bored well. Most people who know me know that I don't do bored well. And from what I'm hearing after the Christmas rush is all over we're going to be scrubbing the floors and doing any sort of menial cleaning task that management can come up with to keep us busy. I try and look presentable at work. I try and keep my work clothes looking descent so that I can make a better impression on my customers. And even then I come away with dark lines on my pants because I leaned up against who knows what, or dust marks on my shoulders from climbing into some bin after merchandise for a customer. What hope do I have of keeping those work clothes descent if my job becomes scrubbing years of goo accumulation off of the floor around the base of the shelves? Obviously the store really needs some deep deep-cleaning. But I didn't sign up to work in the janitorial or maintenance departments so why is that suddenly going to become my job? And on top of that, why are we going to be doing all of this incredible deep cleaning when our store is going to be remodeled in a few months anyway?! The floor tile that I meticulously scrub the goo off of is just going to be ripped out and replaced with a different one - so why scrub it?
I don't like this job. Its not a challenge, other than time management. (How fast must I run laps around this department in order to get everyone helped?) I really don't like having to sell people into cellphone service. I don't work on commission or anything, but I still feel guilty about signing people up for something that I don't see as necessary for my life. Greg and I recently got rid of our contract cellphone (one phone for the two of us) because we just weren't using it. Currently I do have a trackfone (prepaid, no contract, no montly bills) because my mom wanted me to have it for emergency purposes (I get out of work as late as 10 pm and have to drive all the way across town to get home), and also because I have yet to see a need to put long distance on the house phone.
I also really don't like working all the way across town. It's about a 35 minute drive each way. Add that to my 8 hour work day plus an hour lunch that I'm required to take - a single day at work takes over 10 hours out of my day and that's if I can get out on time. I would love to have some place closer to work. I also strongly dislike having such a varied schedule. Sometimes I work mornings, I do a lot of nights though and occasionally I work a mid shift or two. It doesn't allow much of my life to develop a regular pattern to it. I'm not really sleeping regular times, or running at regular times (honestly, I'm kind of being a wuss in my running) or eating at regular times and I generally feel like crap most of the time. So I constantly struggle with fitting in time to work on all my other goals for this deployment.
I want a new job but before I applied at walmart and even from current searches through want ads - there really isn't a whole lot out there right now. Before I applied at walmart I had spent two month job searching. I put in countless resumes and applications. And I got one interview and they never bothered to even call me back to tell me they went with another applicant. I applied at walmart shortly after Greg left on deployment because I knew I needed something to fill my time here in Colorado without him.
Now I'm feeling overwhelmed and stressed and honestly quite burnt out. And after the Christmas rush is over, I will feel all those same things and just completely restless because I'll go back to being completely bored all of the time at work. I've honestly been restless after about 2 weeks on the job, then I transferred to wireless, and had about another 2 weeks before I was restless. I don't really know what to do with everything right now. I just hate the way I feel after a day working at walmart. I'm bitter and angry and completely exhausted to the point that with everything else going on in life, all I want to do is cry. I feel like there's not enough time to do the things that I really want to do during this time and I don't know what to do about that.
On top of everything I'm really feeling this urge to do something more meaningful with my time here. I have this reoccuring thought, or desire rather, to become a regular volunteer at the Springs Rescue Mission right now and I don't know what to do with that either. I know that with all that I already do there's not enough time to add that in. But I don't really want to lose the money that I'm making at Walmart.
It's not that if I quit (or cut back my hours) there's going to be a huge financial crisis in our household. It's just that if I quit there's not going to be so much play room in our finances as there has been recently. I'm just being goal oriented (or greedy could probably be used). Greg and I really want to be able to buy his parents apartments when he gets out of the military and we move back to Michigan. But in order to do that we need to save up a ton of money in a fairly short period of time for the apartments and for other things.
Now it's not that if I were to quit walmart completely and go volunteer fulltime that I would never get a paying job again. One of my friends got a job working with the Springs Rescue Mission from volunteering there. It's not like I'm going to quit looking for a job in a better field that's more suited to my passions and interests and future goals.
I just don't want to keep working in a job that I hate my days there and come home completely exhausted and frustrated and burned out every day. But I don't want to lose that extra money coming into the house. Grrr... what to do.
And then I stumbled upon a scripture today during an unfortunately rare bible study time - Proverbs 23.4 "Do not wear yourself out to get rich, have the wisdom to show restraint." Ouch.
So you'd think that I would have given in at that moment and quit Walmart and went to volunteer and never look back. Well, it's not that easy. Am I really being greedy, just trying to get rich? Or am I just being goal oriented towards our future? A dear friend of mine reminded me that if it's God will for us to own the apartments - God will provide the funds. There's something in me that rear's it's prideful head at that statement and says "but I want to do it". The first few months of our marriage, I didn't work. And I had a really hard time letting Greg provide the finances for me and using them. It was a mutual desision for me to not work for a while. I had held steady jobs since I was really old enough to work and still volunteered in a number of capacities and went to school. It was a great gift to me that Greg wanted to give. I still appreciate that dearly, but I really didn't and still don't know how to receive the gift of his provision. How do you just let someone pay for your clothes or running shoes or whatever? There's so much pride and sense of accomplishment that comes from paying for your own things. I never felt entitled to just go out and spend the money that Greg had earned - even buying groceries was difficult at times. So I think that I'm holding on to my sense of freedom and pride with staying with this paying job at walmart, even though I hate it.
Right now I have this oportunity in life, the freedom to become a fulltime volunteer with a very amazing charity, doing their best to make a difference in a city that is so troubled, to work in ministry and really get into the knitty gritty of people struggling in the worst of life situations. And I'm hesitating on it for the pride and sense of financial freedom that comes with bringing my own money into the household by working at Walmart.
I'm really looking at this as I break it down for any who may be reading this. And I think I'm crazy for not seizing the moment. I feel like I'm so foolish for struggling with this decision. But I guess when it really comes down to it, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what volunteering in such a ministry may require of me. I'm afraid of not meeting the financial goals that I set out to meet when Greg deployed. (But by fighting to meet the financial goals the way I am right now, I'm failing to meet just about all of my other goals for this time. I bet you thought I missed that one!) I'm also afraid of really letting God provide for these dreams and goals that I have. I feel like I have to do it myself. I don't know how to really accept the provision of others in my life, at all, human or divine.
Oh the struggle of faith. Any suggestions? You can email me at raining.down.now@gmail.com or my regular email if you have it.
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